2013 Pirates: My experience

Ok this might seem silly, but this whole emotional roller coaster with the Pittsburgh Pirates has given me a lot of insight into my self/ how I handle things. For those of you who don't know (and might I suggest, have been living under a rock) the Pirates made the playoffs for the first time in 21 years. 21 YEARS! Not only did they make the playoffs, they had home field advantage for the wild card game, had an outstanding game with record high attendance and people were saying it was more intense than any Pittsburgh sports game they've ever been to, then they moved on to the series against the Cardinals which seemed like we could possibly win it, but then lost after a tough battle in the 5th game of the series.

And all the time during the regular season, there were some people who thought it possible, then there were those who refused to believe. I unfortunately leaned more towards the latter. I had seen this all before and I knew how it would always end: with another losing season. They would get our hopes up and then they would be dropped in a collapse. I have however stood faithfully by the Pirates each year because of my love for baseball, but I never allowed myself to get attached or hopeful for fear that it would end badly again.

This year was different.

As it got closer and closer to the end of the season, and I noticed that they kept winning and winning, something changed. I started becoming more emotionally invested. I would try to bring myself back down to earth with thoughts of "Oh, they'll probably lose this game." or "I wouldn't be surprised if they lost" or "Just brace yourself for the collapse". As soon as they would break a winning streak and lose one game, I would immediately put my guard back up. Then they would win a few more and I would slowly be put at ease, but one loss and the walls would go back up. It's like I was afraid to allow myself to enjoy it because I didn't want to feel "hurt" or "let down". Always dwelling on the negative.

Even when they did make the playoffs and have the incredible games that they played, I still found myself bracing for a loss. When people would talk on the radio about them going all the way, I would scoff to myself. Just you wait. But at the same time, wanting so badly to believe it possible myself. And now I find myself in the position where they did lose. October has ended for Bucco nation. Do I feel any better because I was "prepared" for this? Heck no. Now instead of focusing on the positive, the fact that they made the playoffs in the first place, all I can think of is "well, they didn't take us all the way". I wish I didn't automatically think like that. It really brought awareness of how much I live in fear of 'getting hurt', or fear of failure, or how much I focus too much on the negative. Maybe I am too cynical. But for whatever reason, if you are out there feeling the same as me, maybe we need to work on looking more at the good then the bad. Maybe we need to not be afraid. I don't want to always live my life like that. I don't want to continually bring myself down because of fear that "something bad will happen". I don't want to live with my heart in a box.

It was an INCREDIBLE season, full of ups and downs, excitement, drama, success, wins and loses, but ultimately it was a season that brought hope back to Pittsburgh baseball. I wouldn't have wanted to miss it for anything.

Here's to the 2013 Pittsburgh Pirates. Here's to an excellent season and the prospect of only going up.

Let's raise that jolly roger with pride.

NAS: Fav recipes!

So I don't really ever have to cook for just myself, because I have moved back home and my mom cooks (even better), but when I do, here is my go-to:

I have been running a lot and trying to eat extra protein, so my favorite things is a bagel sandwich.
Toast the bagel, fry the egg, then melt Swiss cheese on the top, add some veggies (peppers, tomato, lettuce), and sometimes bacon. I also put a little cream cheese on the bagel as well before adding everything to it. I don't know why, but I just love these!

When I did live on my own though, I was a big fan of buying frozen chicken in bulk and then just taking out a piece or two and experimenting with different side dishes. Anything with black beans was always a winner :)

Anyways, that is all I've got for now. Looking forward to reading other recipes!

Busy-ness and ranting

So I know I have not written anything in about a month or so, but I have just been swamped with so many things. I am feeling kind of like not enough butter spread across too much toast. There are so many things I need to get done, and by the time I get home from work, I am just exhausted. I've had to not go to mass some mornings because I just couldn't get myself out of bed in time. Getting up at 5:30 and going full speed all day til like 10:30 is apparently not working for me (especially also for someone who needs to recharge by having down time). I'm kind of at a loss though as to what I should do. I don't really feel like I can cut anything out of my schedule, but maybe I have to find something. Or maybe I need to do some more time management and figure out where my free time is (if any...). All I know is, I am feeling SO drained and tired, and it is shaking my emotions and my relationship with God. I've been very irritated lately, and I have no reason to be. My trust is definitely being tested in all of this. I doubt His goodness and His providence. Maybe I need to go through this to trust Him better, but if so, I need to find a better way of learning this lesson so that I am not sacrificing my health/spiritual life in the process! Anyways, rant over. I just need to de-stress a little and keep fighting the good fight.

The Divorce of the Heart

"Very seldom are we ever invited to live out of our heart. If we are wanted, we are often wanted for what we can offer functionally. If rich, we are honored for our wealth; if beautiful, for our looks, if intelligent, for our brains. So we learn to offer only those parts of us that are approved, living out a carefully crafted performance to gain acceptance from those who represent life to us. We divorce ourselves from our heart and begin to live a double life."           -The Sacred Romance: Drawing Closer to the Heart of God, Brent Curtis, John Eldredge.

I just started reading this book a week or so ago, and this quote has been haunting me since the moment I read it. There is so much packed into this statement. This phenomena can be seen pretty much everywhere, whether in the extremes of celebrities, those who invest all of their lives into their jobs, women who continually use their bodies for attention... I could go on, but I think you can think of your own examples. I think the most recent extreme example I can think of is the whole Miley Cyrus drama going on right now. She started out as an adorable young girl on Disney, and because of the attention and the fame she had begun to receive, only offered those parts of herself because that is what she was getting attention from. Since this never actually fulfills our hearts, and certainly not her own heart, she is led to offer more and more to gain that false sense of acceptance, and you see an explosion like at the VMAs.

Now I'm not here to rip on Miley. It truly breaks my heart to see anyone so divorced from their heart, where Christ desires to dwell. I know I have definitely been divorced from my heart at times as well. The fear of getting hurt again, the fear of feeling certain emotions, the fear of rejection can all lead someone to cut themselves off from their heart, keeping it boxed up so that it will never feel those things it doesn't want to feel. Even if you aren't intentionally doing this, it can happen gradually until one day, you begin doing things because you "don't care anymore", when really in the depths of your heart, you care immensely.

There is such a great danger in only affirming how people perform functionally, or in only noticing someone for one aspect of themselves. Because the truth is that human people are so much more and there is so much depth to an individual person. If a girl is repeatedly affirmed in her body and only her body, then she will soon believe that that is all she has to offer, and continually offer that to receive that acceptance, even though in her heart, she is broken and confused. If a young boy grows up being told that he is only good if he excels at a certain sport, then he will find himself playing that sport just to gain the acceptance, even if inside he would rather be doing anything but that. Then there is the young girl who grows up playing sports, wearing sweats, and then one day when she is older, decides she wants to start dressing up, letting her hair down, but is afraid of what other people say...this is who they know her to be, so she stays the same to keep the status quo, instead of doing what her heart is leading her to do.

This is the great divorce of the heart. The lives we live without really living at all. I only know because I used to be one of those girls and have since allowed the Lord to bring back together the bond that I had severed between my self and my heart to keep 'safe'. It can be a slow, scary, hard process to begin living from the heart, but there is something so freeing about living from the depths of your soul and doing the things you are truly passionate about doing. It can also be hard to figure out what the desires of your heart truly are. If you have been separate from your heart for so long, it might take some time to get to know your heart again, what makes it tick, what brings it the most joy, the most sorrow, and slowly allowing it to feel. Take some time to figure this out, and start really living. And if people reject you, then maybe it is time to find some new friends who care about your heart's desires and not just what they can get from you or what you have to offer. Because you are SO much more than that and you deserve to live out of your heart.

Five Favorites {2}

This is my second time doing this link-up, and I am still excited about it! Except I think I am confused as to what day the link-up opens, so if someone could let me know, that would be great :)

1. Chai Tea

I just bought a new box of Market District Chai yesterday because I have been craving it, and it is probably the best Chai I have had so far. I want to try making Chai Tea Lattes because they are one of my absolute all time favorite things! They say 'Fall' to me.

2. My camera lens mug

One of my best friends got me a mug that looks like a camera lens, and I always feel really legit when I use it. I love photography so it is only appropriate that I have a travel mug that expresses that!

3. Early mornings

I have learned to love the quiet of getting up early and having a relaxing morning. I of course love this more if I have nowhere to be going, but I love just sipping some coffee/tea and reading a good book before getting ready for the day.

4. Fall

All things Fall. I cannot wait for the season of Fall to being. I am bursting with anticipation thinking about hot apple cider, pumpkin spice, crisp afternoons, changing leaves, hay rides, etc. etc. etc. I could go on for days! But I have til September 22, so I will need to practice some patience! Really though, it's the best.

5. The Pittsburgh Pirates

I have a borderline obsession with the Pirates, and for the record, have been obsessed for years even when they were terrible. They still haven't completely won over my heart though because I am fearing the collapse, but hoping to be proven wrong! Here's hoping for a winning season! 

My sister and I with our favorite player, Jordy Mercer

NAS: Survey!

Linking up with Jen and the other ladies again this week for the Not Alone Series!

About me: 

1. Age: 23!
2. Area of country: Good old Pittsburgh, home of the black and gold!
3. Are you working? If so, what do you do?: I work for the Capuchin Franciscan Friars doing development/fundraising work! And I am going to start doing photography and just started a Facebook page for them. It would be great if you would 'like' their page! They're wonderful holy men of God.  https://www.facebook.com/CapuchinFrairsofStAugustine
4. Family: I am the second oldest of 7 kids! It's a crazy but always fun household :) 

   

   From L-R: Me, JP (7), Michael (25), Rachel (10), Joe (20), Frannie (13) and Laura (17)
   
   
   

   

   The whole clan at Easter 
   
   
   

   In addition to 7 kids, we have 4 cats, a psycho dog, and a fish. I have to include a picture of my favorite kitty, Bella! Isn't she adorable? 

   
   

   

   
   

   So needless to say, my house is pretty hectic. But I wouldn't have it any other way!

5. How did your parents meet? My parents have actually known each other since like 1st grade. They went to the same elementary and high school, and their last names were right next to each other alphabetically, so my mom would always sit behind my dad in every class. In high school they started dating and have been now married 25 years!

   

   The units taking a selfie

6. Confirmation Saint? St. Catherine of Sienna! I actually picked her because she was the only saint I really knew about in 8th grade... I apparently wasn't properly catechized... or I just didn't pay attention in class.. but either way, I'm glad I chose her because she is AWESOME.
7. Favorite Gospel? My favorite Gospel is Matthew 14:25-31. This is the one when Jesus tells Peter to step out of the boat and walk on the water toward Him. And then Peter starts freaking out and sinking, and Jesus immediately saves him. I identify a lot with Peter in this Gospel, which is probably why it is my favorite. 

   "25 Shortly before dawn Jesus went out to them, walking on the lake. 26 When the disciples saw him walking on the lake, they were terrified. “It’s a ghost,” they said, and cried out in fear. 27 But Jesus immediately said to them: “Take courage! It is I. Don’t be afraid.”28 “Lord, if it’s you,” Peter replied, “tell me to come to you on the water.”29 “Come,” he said.Then Peter got down out of the boat, walked on the water and came toward Jesus. 30 But when he saw the wind, he was afraid and, beginning to sink, cried out, “Lord, save me!”31 Immediately Jesus reached out his hand and caught him. “You of little faith,” he said, “why did you doubt?”"

   
   
8. # of previous 'facebook official' relationships: Well if we are going FBO, then I guess only 1. But I have had many other guy 'flings' I guess you could call them.
9. Top 3 qualities in a husband: Strong, giving, Christ-like
10. Online dating experience? Advice?: Yes, I am on Catholic Match and have been for some time. I don't really go on very frequently though, and when I do, it is mostly just to check out the scene. My experience has never been quality, and usually I'll talk to a guy for a little and that's that. I guess it is good experience just to talk to them, but I have found that there are not entirely very many eligible guys on that site. Maybe that just happens to be the area that I am pulling from, but I have not really been satisfied with my online dating experience. I don't think it is a bad idea though, and God can definitely work through the modern technologies that are available to us. I know many other people though who are happily married to people they found online. So if you want to, go for it! There is a taboo about it, but why not try it? It might work for you, it might not. 
11. Advice for a single lady (in 140 characters!): Pursue Christ first and foremost and let everything else just fall into place.
12. What is your favorite thing outside of blogging and work/school?: I like running, reading good books, doing photography/photo-editing, enjoying nice quiet mornings before the family is awake, watching baseball (Pirates!), and just spending quality time with my siblings! 

NAS: The love of friendship

Linking up with the NAS

I have learned a lot about myself and how to love through my friendships. In college, I was privileged and blessed beyond belief to be a part of a household, which basically is Franciscan's version of sororities and fraternities with a Catholic twist. There are about 43 households, each based off a different virtue of aspect of our faith, and we sign a covenant, committing to live a faithful life and to help one another grow in holiness. My household is Regina Angelorum, or "Queen of the Angels", and my sisters and I would have weekly mass, rosary, holy hours, share groups, and other activities together.

Without a doubt, my best of friendships have come out of this group of women. Never in my life have I seen such real, authentic, raw, vulnerable human love. These friends sisters have stood by me through the thick and the thin. Through the moments where we laugh so hard our sides hurts, through praying with each other in our heartaches and tears during all hours of the night, through looking a sister in the eye and asking how she is really doing, through dragging one another to mass at 6:30 in the morning, through the moments where we are so lost in shadow and despair that nothing keeps us together except the love and prayers of our sisters. Through the excitements, the joys, the losses, the sharing of our hearts. This is the real love of friendship. And this love requires vulnerability. I would not have the beautiful relationships that I have if I had kept my heart enclosed for fear of it getting hurt again. I would not be the woman I am today without having friends who loved me enough to kick my butt and tell me when I was wrong or to encourage me when I was hesitantly walking the right path. I know that no matter what, no matter what time, no matter the distance, there are always 200+ women whom I am blessed to call sisters and who are always ready to love on each other. So to these beautiful women, wherever you are, thank you for teaching me how to love and be loved. Know that I hold you all in my heart.

Fight the good fight always

A bunch of sisters were visiting so of course we took a picture!

From retreat last spring

Thanksgiving party :)

A household sisters wedding in CT!

My two little sisters and I


And of course, our mother and her Son!

Cue the tears...