Superhero complex is not necessarily a good thing.

I have something that I like to affectionately (or begrudgingly) call the "superhero complex". Now this doesn't mean that you will see my trying to swing from a spiderweb between buildings or trying to burst up into the sky from the rockets that shoot out from my feet (although that would be awesome!!), but rather that I feel like I should be indestructible. I hate my weakness. I hate other things controlling me. I should never give in to anything outside of myself. I need to be able to be at all places, doing everything for everyone, and still have ample time for prayer and to do the things I need to get done for myself. I beat myself up when I fall short of my own standards. I push myself past my limits quite frequently and detest when I feel burnt out. I should be able to do this. I hate that I'm human.

Well news flash: I am human. Completely immortal and destructible. And that's ok.

I am also quite "contrarian". Aka if everyone is into something, I refuse to like it just for the sole reason that everyone else does. If I am going to like something, I have to come to it on my terms, always waiting til the bandwagon has long left the station. [I know, I'm annoying. But I'm working on it.] I think that has effected though how I feel about my humanity. I should be able to do all these things that no one else should do. I shouldn't have these weaknesses, these temptations, these fears... that is what happens to normal people! I don't want to be like that! But have a become so contrarian that I have begun to detest my own humanity? If this is the case, then something needs to change.

I often feel like I don't trust God, and I am always telling myself that I need to trust Him more. Recently though, I was talking to someone about different things going on in my life and how I know that God will be/is protecting me. The conversation ended a little something like this:
"So you trust that He is taking care of you?"
"Of course! He always does."
" I think you trust Him more than you think you do"

Bingo. This is where my problem lies. Because I don't trust in Him perfectly, I feel like I am failing. But I can't trust Him perfectly. I am imperfect. I am not free from sin. I cannot trust Him and love Him as perfectly as Mary, whom I always ask to strengthen my trust to be like hers. BUT just because I don't trust Him perfectly, doesn't mean I don't trust Him.

It was amazing how much less anxious I felt after realizing this. Hey, I don't have to do this perfectly. My trust, my loyalty, my love is going to be flawed. But that is beautiful because it allows Him to fill in the gaps. I have been learning to not only accept my humanity, but to love my humanity. This does NOT mean though that we should use our weakness as an excuse to slack. This is the other side of the spectrum that deserves caution. I need to make sure I don't become too complacent in my humanity that I forget that I am made for greatness and I am not made for this world. It seems silly to want to be content with being weak, but this is where our strength is really found.

9 And He has said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness.” Most gladly, therefore, I will rather boast [a]about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may dwell in me. 10 Therefore I am well content with weaknesses, with [b]insults, with distresses, with persecutions, with difficulties, for Christ’s sake; for when I am weak, then I am strong.

I have always loved this verse from 2 Corinthians 12, but it seems much more profound now. I always used to think that my weaknesses meant that I had issues, I had problems, but I needed to let the Lord give me strength in those. And yes, that is true, but I think it is more than that. I need to boast of my humanity. I am content with being me, being human, being weak, because in that, I am giving glory to my Creator. Because He made me this way! He wants to be the strength in our lives.

Just today, I was thinking to myself about what I had brought to work for lunch (a bagel and yogurt) and wishing that I had brought something different. I really felt like going to the convenience store a few blocks down the road just to get a snack, but I was trying to squash that desire within me. You should be content with what you have. Why do you feel the need to have more? Getting a snack is not going to satisfy you. You could be spending that money on better things. Needless to say, I went.

[Disclaimer: mostly I enjoy going out on my lunch break because I love encountering people. People are fascinating. But it is usually frowned upon if I just go into a coffee shop or cafe and don't buy anything. Anyways, this is how I justify my snacking habits ;) ]

I am SO glad I went. I ended up talking to the young woman who worked there and found out that her daughter had been killed in a car accident this past August. I was there to tell her that I would be praying for them, and now I will carry that intention close to my heart. You should have seen the sadness in her eyes...
This whole situation really made me think. What if I hadn't listened to my inner desire? What if I had not allowed myself to want some fresh air and some coffee? (I know, the nerve of me to want those things!) If I hadn't allowed myself to be human, the Holy Spirit would not have been able to work in my life and in this woman's life the way He did today. Now don't get me wrong, I'm not saying do whatever your flesh tells you to do because God will use it (again, it is all about finding the balance), but it just made me think about how many times I might be missing the movements of the Holy Spirit in my life because I am too proud to allow myself to be weak. I need to become nimble to allow myself to go where the Spirit leads. I need to let go of my self and pour my humanity at His feet.

I am not a superhero. I am human. And that is a beautiful thing.