I've been taking a little hiatus from posting with the Not Alone Series because I didn't feel it was prudent for me to do so, but I have still been reading everyone's posts each week and really benefiting from the wonderful advice and insights from so many of you. So thank you! Unfortunately though, this weeks topic is something I need to write about because it is something that just popped onto my radar unexpectedly yesterday. I have been doing well lately and getting myself refocused on Christ and keeping my relationship 'status' if you will centered on Him, so this is something that I have thankfully not been struggling with too much recently. I have definitely had my moments, but the Lord has really been blessing me. I have been making a much greater effort to go to mass in the mornings at 6:30 before starting my day and WOW does that make a difference. Being filled with Him and His love is what I think keeps me together and focused.
But it's the little things that get to me sometimes. The little moments of "I don't have that..." that creep in unexpectedly, things you might not even think about. Like having someone to surprise you with coffee while you're at work. Or having someone to meet up with on your lunch break. Or having someone to go running with. I think it's these little things that I "envy" the most. They all kind of hit me yesterday because I would see other people having these moments that I wasn't having. I mean seriously, I have to walk across the street and get my own coffee! (I know, life is so hard haha).
But if I didn't have to "walk and get my own coffee" I would miss out on all the sights, sounds, and the chance to be outside for a brief 10 minutes when I'm constantly inside longing to be out in the fresh air. I would miss having the opportunity to talk to the people who work in the coffee shop and build relationships with them. If I didn't have to "run by myself" then I would miss out on having my little oasis, the freedom to just go and not having anyone holding me back or pushing me past my limits. I wouldn't have that space, that time where I feel completely and utterly free, just me and my thoughts... and for an introvert that is very important! I've come to the realization lately that I need to learn how to be me, and just me. Not me with anyone else. I don't mean this in a depressing way, but I need to stop living in waiting and stop looking at what other people have that I don't. I often find myself thinking of all the things I want to do when I have someone to do them with. Even though I am an introvert, I actually don't really like going places alone. (I'd much rather just sit at home alone where I am comfortable, but that's a different issue haha). I am learning to become me in the world and do the things I love doing. I am learning to take care of myself and make my own decisions, not in a "I don't need anyone" sort of way, but in an "I'm ok by myself" way. And in reality, I'm not alone. I have friends, family, and above all my Jesus who continues to amaze me every day. So my first step in defeating envy, is to not be a lady in waiting. Of course I am anxiously awaiting the day my vocation will be revealed to me, but until then, I am not going to sit in a tower (like I feel I have been) and gaze longingly out the window at what everyone else has. I am going to live my life and embrace this time and become the woman I am created to be, and just roll with what life brings.